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Why am I here?

I've been thinking a lot during this COVID-19 crisis.

Why am I here?

I have a private practice in the helping professions, but am I truly helping? There is so much uncertainty, so much anxiety, so much fear and hate mongering in the world. So what am I doing to help? And am I doing everything I can, or doing "just enough"? 

As an introvert, an Enneagram 9, an INFP, pick your poison... I tend to reside on the "sloth-like" side of life. I become incapacitated by the demands put on us by just trying to survive. I retreat inside my turtle shell and hide until the storm passes. There is a quote from one of my favorite plays (that I was able to perform in twice!) called "Boeing Boeing" by Marc Camoletii. In this play, one of the characters becomes so overwhelmed by the insanity around him that he throws his hands up and says, "This is all too much, this!" 

I found this had become my life's mantra. 

I repeated this phrase way too often. I found myself feeling life had become "all too much", so I have been reacting by getting quiet. I withdraw from friends and family to conserve my energy. But I am also someone that has to feel they are helping others. In retreating, I have been denying myself the thing that actually brings me joy! 

Which brought me to the question over this morning's cup of coffee, "Why am I here?" If not to serve others, what is my purpose? How can I both honor my need for peace and harmony and still acknowledge the world needs help finding that same peace? I started feeling intensely selfish for retreating (another trait of the INFP/Enneagram 9... we can't handle selfishness) for my own self-preservation. I have so much to gain from reaching out to help others. To be present. To show up. 

So this is me... showing up. Reaching out. Asking anyone and everyone... "How can I help?"

I'm here.

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